i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
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Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Bread puns are on the rise!
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?