Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
You Might Also Like
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
me hitting on a model
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
So the ex texted me
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.