*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
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My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I’m giving up ice.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.