Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
You Might Also Like
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.