me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
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[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people