so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
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Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team