[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped