I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Goodnight 🐶
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
HELP 😭
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
This will never not be funny to me.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.