Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Every work meeting this week
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham