Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
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Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Okay me first
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.