The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
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The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Optional boss fight.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard