I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
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Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
britain’s three elite institutions
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.