I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
You Might Also Like
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.