I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
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1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.