bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
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There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.