Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
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“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Girl, same.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls