I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
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Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
That lamp looks PISSED.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
How do dragons blow out candles?