“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
You Might Also Like
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Steam Forums
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot