Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
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SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I gave up going to work for lent.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink