Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
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Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”