Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
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[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.