“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Lmaoo 😂
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
the world’s most popular steaming services
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”