If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
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shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
catch me on valentine’s day like
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
In space, no one can hear…
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.