There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please