Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
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