they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.