April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Warm pools make me nervous.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.