Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*