The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
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Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons: