The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
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The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Pandas 🐼🖤
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.