Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
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Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.