[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.