“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”