hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
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You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
concern
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.