People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
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Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”