I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
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*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
#Caturday
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.