Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact