That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
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PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Never forget.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.