Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
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Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators