Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
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Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?