Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
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Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.