If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
🤣🤣
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.