My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
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Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.