Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
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It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.