Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
the rocks need my help