“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
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I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
sistine chapel
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea