My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
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*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
🙀🙀🙀😹
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn