{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
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“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets