My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
A bold strategy
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever