Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.